Our Stories & the Stories We Tell Ourselves

We are worthy to share our experiences of the trauma and abuse we've experienced but sometimes our stories can hinder our healing process and even hinder our progress.

We explore why stories can be triggering, how stories can keep us in a trauma loop and how we can access key information to unlock hidden trauma through story.

Included is a powerful tool to support anyone who has kept the secret of their abuse - the unspoken, unsaid and unshared and unlock the first step to releasing this burden. 

Transcript

 Welcome to episode 3 of Healed, Unlock Solutions for Sexual Trauma. This episode is dedicated to our stories and the stories that we tell ourselves.

And there is a difference between the stories that we share and the stories that we tell ourselves. many stories can be inspirational, they can be educational, and sometimes stories can be simply traumatic, and it really depends on the content of that story and who the listener is. Depending on our life's experiences, some stories can wash over us, just like water off a duck's back, and others can really impact us, and sometimes people's stories can permeate our consciousness, we hold on to the dialogue that was shared with us.

So each and every one of us has a story, every single person has a story to tell, and it's based on a series of events that they've experienced in their life. So quite often people will share a story about their childhood, they'll share a story where they've had to overcome an illness or some hardship, or they might tell a story about their travels and exciting things that they've got to experience and through that can make us feel inspired. Now, when it comes to trauma and especially childhood abuse, then we have to hold story time with such awareness. 

And even though I know that there is a place. For people to share their stories. And I know that there are platforms that allow that for people to come forward and recount their abuse stories. And can be helpful, it can also be harmful. And that's not to dismiss that you've got a powerful story to share or that your story is not worthy to be told and to be heard, but this is really understanding how trauma works and how our stories impact others if they have unhealed trauma.

You might have experienced this already where someone has shared a story of their past and it's hit up against something that is painful for you and you've left that conversation feeling agitated, uneasy and emotionally overwhelmed.

Now this can also be true when we're watching movies, especially if it has a certain theme or there is something specific in a scene of a movie that will mirror or depict or echo a familiarity of our own trauma story.

Why are we triggered when we hear somebody else's story. And that simply is where it's hitting up against the emotional imprint. Our stored pain, and it's resonating, it's vibrating, it's agitating. And if we don't have any other resources, or we have no other tools, how to unlock and release and process that pain to heal it, then normally our strategy is to disconnect, disassociate, distract.

 And that's why when we are stepping forward to share our stories around abuse, we have to be accountable knowing that if someone's hearing your story for the first time and it's hitting up against a trigger for them and then having a trauma response, and they have no other strategy.

It takes away from the intention of you sharing your story in the first place. And let's get into that, sharing your story is usually to help and be supportive or even to inspire others. But here's another important part. Sometimes we share our story because we were never heard as a child. It could be that you tried to share what was going on for you around abuse, but you were ignored, or you were undermined, or you were dismissed.

And there are other reasons why we share our story, which isn't really from that healed space, but it's looking for validation. It's looking for a pathway to heal. I often witness this.  In a TV program where someone is talking about a traumatic event.

Maybe someone that's passed, and 20 years may have gone by, but they're unable to speak about the experience without getting choked up. And that's not to say that you shouldn't have emotion when someone passes.

But what happens is when there are traumatic event happens, there's an emotional imprint that gets locked in. And anytime we start to speak about that experience, we're literally bringing it back to the surface. There is no timeline, so that emotion is as real as the moment that it happened. This is how trauma gets stuck in our body.

And this is why we can't move on from these traumatic experiences because the moment we're sharing and we're speaking about it, the body responds and thinks it's happening in real time. So whenever I observe someone sharing something and they are feeling really emotional about It gives me the indicator that they have been unable to process. That deep emotional pain that they felt at the time of that event.

And listen, we're here to be emotional beings. We're here to feel. And it's not to say that when the emotion comes up, it gives us great information. That we are feeling sad, that we are in pain because of this situation.   But it can become a burden when we continually hold that pain and unable to let it go and process it.

So we can still hold the experience and know that it was a traumatic experience, but we don't get overwhelmed with the emotion when we're sharing this. Now, there is an opposite to this, and that is sharing your story from a disconnected, disassociated space. So that means no feeling at all, that’s where it just becomes, almost a hypnotic robotic sharing of details.

And that also is an indicator where the experience was so overwhelming that there has been no strategy at all, to start to unlock and feel that emotion. So again, it's giving us these pathways and these indicators and opportunities where we can start to unlock and begin the healing process.

 There is one more scenario that's worth mentioning here, which is you may be able to share your story without the emotion and being fully present while you're sharing it. But as you come away from the conversation, you feel wobbly, you feel emotional and you feel overwhelmed.

And this is another indicator where Your experience is still yet to be processed and healed fully, because in this wobbly moment, a lot of the times, especially when we're being vulnerable, when we're saying these terrible things happened to me, and also around this massive taboo that we have in our society across all the continents and all the religions and all the cultures that sexual abuse is still such a dirty, tainted thing. And we hold this shame and this judgment that it happened to us.  And therefore, a lot of the time internalize that even though we know it wasn't our fault, that there is a small part of us that feels, that we're holding this darkness. We fear the judgment of others that may reflect that.  Oh, keep away from that person. They're damaged goods.

 Everybody's healing journey is not a linear process. And you might find there are certain aspects that you can share of your story that you feel you've integrated; you've processed, you're healed. And yet when you touch on something, that you've thought that you have been able to share in the past and all of a sudden, this emotion bubbles up. It's just letting you know that there's another layer to be processed through and allowing that emotion also to bubble up and to be expressed in the moment and be vulnerable offers opportunity to be held and to be heard and to be listened to and that simply creates a new imprint if ever as a child, you tried to share with someone and speak your truth about what was going on. And it was dismissed that you've got this new blueprint of a resource that actually it is valid that you are listened, you are worthy, and your words and your story is received.

Now, if you've taken the path of seeing a counsellor or a therapist, or maybe you're at the beginning of your journey, It is super important to find someone that can create that safe container that you can share any of your story and allow that emotion to be expressed in that moment without the fear of the judgment or any negative repercussions because of it. Now, not all therapists and counsellors are made equal. And unfortunately, I hear far too many stories where counsellors and therapists simply don't hold the level of awareness that they should when supporting someone from childhood abuse or sexual trauma. And simply by the nature of these modalities, they are bound by principles that doesn't allow them to share any of their personal details. 

Because one of the questions that we should be asking when we go to work with someone to get the support to heal from sexual abuse and trauma is what experience have, they had? I know personally through my journey there are too many times where I have worked with an array of therapists, whether it's conventional or alternative, who simply don't have a deeper understanding of what it is like to Experience trauma and the impacts of sexual abuse and how to heal it. If you can find a therapist who's willing to say that they have lived expertise in this field, then I would be recommending working with them over anybody else. 

I feel like this episode has so many caveats because there are so many sides for us to look at trauma from. Before I accessed my childhood memories, I signed up to become a counsellor and started my training. Now if I continued down that path as a counsellor, I would have committed to a certain mindset on how to support and heal. And it's not to say that counselling and therapy isn't a great model to start you on your journey.

But when we bring in the idea of stories and how obviously we need to share our stories when we go to work with someone. The very nature of how trauma works, especially in childhood, if they have experienced sexual trauma and childhood abuse, and that is unhealed, then, that can become a precarious space to be in.

If you were to share something that was to trigger their emotional response, then I know that they were unable to create and hold a safe space.  An example of that; Where someone has signed up to work with a counsellor and they have gone in to share their story.

And their story was horrific and heart breaking, and they're ending up having to pass the tissues to their counsellor who's in floods of tears. Now that shows a level of empathy which is beautiful. But all of a sudden, the roles become reversed and you are going in there for support, but you're becoming the caretaker.

Now while we're on the subject of therapy, counselling and stories, there's another aspect that you need to be aware of when you're going down that path, or you're in that path already, around continually sharing stories. And this is really understanding how our neural pathways work.

 When we're continually going over our same story and only accessing what we remember without really going deeper into what's held in the unconscious or even working with the inner child because as an adult we will rationalize certain aspects of what happened to us. And I give you an example of this: When I accessed the first memories of being abused by my father when I was 36, It was known in the family that my father had been an alcoholic and had gone through the 12 step program and stopped drinking. So with that storyline, I had then created and rationalized that the abuse would have only happened where he was drunk to the point that he had lost all rational control.

 In that story I told myself, that it must have only happened when my mother was out of the house. Because the adult perspective that I held is that my mother would never have accepted that behaviour and she would have protected me.

It was a great story. And that story I concocted to make the abuse okay somehow also allowed me to keep relations with my family without rocking the boat. There was a lot of denial there, but at the time, that story was keeping me safe. That story was the limits of what I could process and make sense of at that time. And it wasn't until a few years later when I accessed my deeper memories of being a trafficked child. Knowing that story was nowhere near the truth.

And I look back with deep compassion for myself because where I was at that time in my life, I know that I had no other strategy and there was no way that if the deeper truth had come into my awareness that I wouldn't have a strategy to heal.

And I know so many people hold on to their stories like a badge of honour and I hear it through my clients sometimes we unlock a deeper trauma and yet they default to their original story because that's going to make them feel safe and often it's through abuse of a parent because that is where the betrayal is at its deepest. And we are biologically wired to be connected, to love our parents. 

And it can be true that your parent loves you and also can be an abuser. But it's the version of love and what we accept is love. And this is how, as an abuse survivor and experiencing sexual trauma, becomes all-encompassing in all areas of our life. And has a direct correlation to our relationships, especially our romantic and intimate ones where we accept certain behaviours because that's what was role models to us as this is what love is.

 I just want to double back around when we are in a therapeutic setting and we are continually sharing whatever the version of our story is and hold the perspective as your adult and not as the child. By sharing this story, we're continually validating that this is our truth. And through that, there are two things one is that we then deepen the neural pathway.  If we ever become triggered or a repressed memory comes to the surface.

It can really jar up against the story that we have connected to. That's our safety net, if you like. And quite often if a memory was to come up, we will reject that memory. The importance of these memories surfacing, it can give us a signpost to what's held at a deeper level.

We are mind, body, and soul, and, when we can work with those three aspects and allow them to guide us, it can really help us unlock what is hidden, and this is where the true healing occurs.

I know many of us hold these stories as a comfort blanket, or sometimes people share them because they were so desperate for the validation. But often we tell our stories to the wrong people that can't offer that.

And if that is something that's familiar in your experience, there is a reason why we do that.  It comes back to us as the child, where we're trying to recreate a situation that we tell the parent, we tell the mummy, we tell the teacher, we tell the responsible adult. And that imprint of who that adult was will have a similar energetic resonance to whoever the person we're trying to tell.

 If you find yourself sharing your trauma story or your childhood abuse story with the wrong person, i. e. someone that's not safe, someone that can't hold the space for you, someone that dismisses your story or even disassociates while you're sharing the story.  We are normally trying to recreate a different response so we can heal that wound.

 So if you can be aware of next time you're sharing your story, what’s going on for you, what's the intention behind it., and even if there's a moment where it just bubbles out and it wasn't even a conscious thing to share that with someone And their response is less than supportive. See that as an opportunity for you to understand your trauma and how that shows up for you.

Your story is really important, I know that speaking up and sharing with others about your story is a challenging one, but it also can be very freeing 

many people haven't told their partners and their families don't know about the abuse that they experienced as a child, impacting every aspect of their lives. And I'm not saying that you need to share that.

But we are in changing times now where there is less and less taboo and more understanding of how far-reaching childhood abuse is in all walks of life.

And I'm going to leave you with this one exercise. If you felt like that you have never been able to share your story with anyone, I'd like to invite you to write a letter, and simply write that letter of your experience. And this letter isn't to be posted, it's not even to be shared. 

The purpose of writing this letter allows you to start to express and to release and start to unlock what's been held close to your chest all of this time and allow it to start being released out of your energy field. And simply by writing a letter and putting the words on paper.

 And it may be very overwhelming and very emotional but allow yourself to do it when you feel safe, when you have the space.

Once the letter is written I want you to intentionally burn it. So, it's like a symbolic ritual of letting it go, releasing it out of your energy field, releasing it out of your emotions, releasing it out of your mind, and just allowing the alchemy of the fire to release it.

And then I want you to celebrate yourself. Because that is one big step towards your healing. Thank you for joining me for this episode.  Leaving you with my love as always.